At a snails pace

So yesterday I went to the gym! Can I get a Hallelujah! I jogged for a mile and then did all leg weights. Squats, lifts, inner and outer thighs and that bootay! Tomorrow the plan is to get p and do some yoga and then hit the gym again. I am still trying to get my shit together. It is not as easy as I need it to be but nothing in life is easy right? May is right around the corner. My plan is to sit down with my table calendar and figure try to write down when I can really go to the gym, work on homework, and walk my dog. I have already started prepping my food for the week on Sundays. About two months ago I stopped taking my anti-depression medication and I think I am going to go back on it. I am not in a happy place. I am very sad about everything around. Everyone around me is in a relationship or has a baby on the way or a newborn. Don’t get me wrong I am happy for everyone but it just magnifies my lack of “love” life. I crave love from a mate, if I could take a pill and have a baby I would be the first person in line. Just overall depressed so the little blue pill (not the one for you men who have an issue in that department) will be added back to my morning routine. -Sigh the story of my life. 

State of Depression

Hey followers, 

I know it has been a while. I am deeply sorry for my lack of blogging. Here is a bit of an update. So Mr. Certified contacted me the other day while I was at a wedding. To sum up what he wanted…a progress report. I flipped my fucking lid! I have no understanding how a person who gives up on a person who needed them the most (maybe it was my fault to need him as bad as i did and do now) to try to get a progress report on my exercising and weight loss. Even typing about it now makes me super emotional. I feel like he quit on me. How can you quit on me and then expect me do say or do anything? I tried compromising, I tried to negotiate but he was admit that if I did not do it the way he wanted then he was unwilling to work with me until I did what he asked me to do. I do not like to be dictated to, I do not like to be overly controlled. It just wasn’t going to continue. So I told him “you want an update: you quit on me and I failed..there ya go”. I wish I had a trust fund, or a better paying job, or even a damn sugar daddy at this point so I could get a personal trainer. I have realized that my problem is accountability. I cannot for the life of me find strength to do this on my own. My brother says “well maybe you don’t want it bad enough”. Maybe he is right, I have been fat my ENTIRE life. I don’t know what it feels like to be skinny for years and years and you have a kid, or just get gain weight and all of a sudden your part of the fat kid club. I am not a skinny person stuck in a fat persons body. I am a fat person DESPERATELY trying to mold myself into a skinny person. I have these roller coaster emotions one day I am feeling great and the next I feel like the darkness is closing in on me. I still have my membership to LA fitness but it literally is burning a hole in my bank account every month because I damn sure am not using it to my advantage. -sigh- Where is my rock bottom so I can start climbing my way back to the top?